Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

ㅤ

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows