My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
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Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault