Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”