My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”