My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
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Saturday
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.