My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
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Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
How do you like your Corgi?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on