My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?