My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Last-minute gift idea!
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I didn’t come here to be called names
