My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Just say no
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn