My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
LOL
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
drew a comic about my origin story
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
What?!?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*