Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard