Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting