Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Have a lovely day 😊

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

Nice try, poison.

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.