My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Here to help
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work