Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.