Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”