MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
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I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.