Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

Good morning

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Left at a local drug store…

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.