My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
fly smarter, not harder
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger