Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.