Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”