My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Hitlers gonna hitl
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.