Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

u spoke cat all this time??????

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?