my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
she has a point
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
*cough*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.