my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Good morning ☺️
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.