My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts