My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Never deleting this app.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!