Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

getting old is fun

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

ㅤ

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

Bobby pin

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?