My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
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What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.