My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
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Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
You got this…
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.