My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
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*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.