My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
? 💀
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
(Musicians.)
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy