My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
What even happened today?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free