My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
You Might Also Like
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.