my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
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I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
BRAKING NEWS!!
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Buck naked
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*