my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
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[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
going to bed
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.