my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
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Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Teach your children to beatbox
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Poetry is my passion
