Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”