My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
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Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now