my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I can’t wait!
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
excuse me
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*