My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
You Might Also Like
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”