my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
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Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)