my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
