My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
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Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”