My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Help
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT