My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
These are my emotional support Pringles.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started