My apartment is a mess, I should move
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Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.