My apartment is a mess, I should move
You Might Also Like
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.