My apartment is a mess, I should move
You Might Also Like
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
The fall of Netflix
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!