My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
omg leave her alone
