My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert