My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Stop sending me this shit.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.