My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.