My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
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After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Succinctly put.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
(True)
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.