My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
then why did i get this email
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye