Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

Ugh

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”