My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it