Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.