My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.