You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.