My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
You Might Also Like
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.