My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers