My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”