Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors