Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

A woman drives into a bar.

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.