My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*