1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party
My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
snape: how will we protect the stone
dumbledore: obstacles that only a powerful wizard could beat
snape: so like hypothetically 3 twelve year olds couldnt beat them
dumbledore: i mean i hope not
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
*puts a DVD of ‘Frozen’ and a DVD of ‘Dante’s Peak’ into the same DVD player*
*’Waterworld’ starts playing*
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep