My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”