Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Battery falling down a hole

How high do the levels go?

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

what day is it?

True freaking story!

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Guilty! 🤪

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.