My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
You Might Also Like
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
This anagram machine is out of order.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.