My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I’ve been lied to my entire life
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.