Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Real House Wines.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

sugar glider wrangler

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD