My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
You Might Also Like
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Probably my best painting.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
That’s incredible! 👌
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly