my astrological sign is a french fry
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career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands