my astrological sign is a french fry
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[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.