My astrological sign is KFC gravy
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I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
😂🤣😂🤣
Friends that check up on you >
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
That’s incredible! 👌
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
