My astrological sign is KFC gravy
You Might Also Like
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”