Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

💀💀

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.