Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.