Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Anyone want a chair?

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.