My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
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Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.