My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.