Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?